Saturday, 31 January 2009

Hands and Butterfly

During the Olympics I and the rest of the world got particularly enamoured with Michael Phelps and in particular butterfly. Butterfly is a particularly hard swimming stroke to master. It shares nothing in common with other strokes. I have never been particularly good at it but this did not stop me from commandeering all manner of pools and seaside locations for butterfly exhibition swims.

Racial stereotyping aside South East Asian's are not renowned for being good swimmers. This compounded with my sometimes alcohol infused enthusiasm made for quite a spectacle. Alas during one of my last shows my wedding ring slipped off in Chiang Mai never to be seen again.

Luckily the ring was not particularly expensive. We wisely spent our wedding savings on entertaining our guests and feeding them. So whilst there was an emotional attachment, the finnacial one was not great. Therefore it is with great pleasure that I can now present to you my new official wedding ring, worn by my hand model.



My hand model is actually myself. Another string in my bow. I could quite adequately be a part time hand model. Stunning they are, although they sadly have a bad habit of going on about themselves. Just like a good model should....

Friday, 30 January 2009

Have you subscribed?

Recruiting people to read my blog is always fun. I wouldn't call myself a consummate salesman but I do have a pitch of sorts. When were in Asia my number one fan was very good at talking me up in between bottles of beer Lao. I always had my business cards handy. In fact if I remember correctly I politely left some outside a bungalow on Koh Penanag, I am pretty sure there were some Swedes staying in there. At least I hope there was.

My new email subscription service has been rolling on. Rather than subscribing people with out consent I have decided to conduct brief interviews before signing people up. Today I had a particularly humorous interview that I thought would be worth sharing with you all.

Daniel

are you subscribed to my news letter?

9:29am *******

what newsletters are they?

9:33amDaniel

well

they are informative and humorous

there are no Viagra ads

and they are family friendly

9:35amDaniel

like a funny New Zealand herald that is family friendly without Viagra ads

9:35am*******

haha

9:35amDaniel

pm me your email address if you are game

9:36am********

*******@gmail.com

will i see results in 14 days?

9:37amDaniel

no doubt

i expect you will have more fine lines within days.

In closing subscribe if you dare and if you do not; beware of strangely worded questions.

Subscribe to A Myriad of Magnificent Musings by Email

Thursday, 29 January 2009

Pirates!

Not content with day dreaming about the Mediterranean I have started pondering circumnavigating the Caribbean. I spent an awful amount of my childhood playing a game called Pirates. Solidly based on the golden age of piracy Pirates is a fantastic game which includes dancing, sword fighting, ship battles and siege mini games.

Opportunities for fencing and piracy will probably be limited but it hasn't stopped me from re charting my ideal route through the Caribbean. The red line is my optimum piracy route. It allows swooping on multiple colonies and intercepting the Spanish gold fleet and the silver train on the northern face of South America.



Florida offers a good starting and finishing point. St Kitts and Nevis were always good for a plunder. Cuba has always been an interest for me and I expect no self respecting super yacht owner would miss the Cayman Islands.

Cartography graffiti is fun. I think I am becoming a fan.

Fire Drills

A working persons curse, the humble fire drill strikes fear in most. I don't think they ever happen at a convenient time. I thought I would take the opportunity to maximize the opportunity and write about them.

Obviously the fire drill has passed. A born rebel the thought of perishing in a fire blogging furiously is romantic but also stupid. This particular fire drill was more of a forced congregation with the rest of the building. The wardens did not take attendance rolls. In fact I am struggling to think of positives but have managed a few.

-Got to chit chat with and identify the smokers.
-Got to get a coffee.
-Walked up six flights of stairs because the lifts were insanely busy.

If I was in charge of fire drills I would reroute the air conditioning to include some artificial smoke. Dormant computers would make realistic screaming noises. Having a fire truck turn up would also add some drama.

Now we are talking.

Dogs

I have written about dogs before but last night I had the pleasure of seeing a particularly smart one. My bus rides have become increasingly boring. I have joined the brain numbed flock, except on Fridays when I seat boogie a bit more than usual.

Last night a blind man got on the bus with his guide dog. I don't get to see guide dogs very often and I was very impressed with the courteous intelligence the dog showed. It patiently queued with the rest of us and made sure it sat well out of the isle. It even smelled better than a good proportion of bus patrons.

I once mooted going and working for a guide dog training center. A rewarding job, but there is a Hollywood saying that working with animals and children can be problematic. Still it would be nice to come back as a guide dog. If only for the smugness of being able to walk where ever you please and being universally adored.

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

The Problem with Big Weekends.....

Are the basic fundamentals of physics. What goes up, must go to work on Monday. Thankfully Monday was a public holiday here. Tuesday was terrific. Wednesday is proving to be challenging. A strange silence has enveloped the office. If I am not mistaken a zombie virus is spreading through our gleaming halls and infecting the workforce.

Do you have a zombie plan?

Every male I know enjoys watching zombie movies. They are hugely educational. They help men to create strategies for the eventual outbreak which will bring down civilization. Every well prepared zombie battler has a blunt instrument at hand. Looking around me there is a sturdy looking coat stand and several flammable aerosol cans which would be handy. Being in charge of security cards would allow me to seal off the immediate floors. Leaving the building would pose its own problems. I could possibly throw a couch down three floors and use it to break my fall. From there I could possibly make a dash for the sea and commandeer a water taxi.

Sounds like hard work? You can never be vigilant enough when thinking about zombies.

A New Dawn Yawning

One of my greatest pleasures is spontaneous yawning. So fond of a good yawn I have not mastered a surreptitious yawn. I have been known to yawn at inopportune moments. The very act of yawning floods the brain with cool air keeps us alert. A remnant from days inside caves, yawns are also contagious and the very act of yawning can start a chain reaction.

In fact I predict a few of you are possibly yawning at the very thought of yawning. Something to to be happy about. Heres to yawning. A positively wonderful bodily function.

Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Subscribe by email

I told you I would be back. In accordance with internet compliance I have added a mailing list option to this fine corner of the internet. By simply entering your email address you will receive a regular email digest which has a list of blog updates. These can be read inside your email client. You can then forward them to your work mates. You could even print them off and take them home for your children to read.

This will be a month long trial before I have to start paying for it. My last paid initiative was paying a team of monkeys to enter my blog into 1000 blog directories. Sadly monkeys do not make good employees and I haven't exactly reaped rewards. So subscribe away and read my day!

Statistic Crunching

What is the supplement to any exhaustive argument? Statistics. Let me share with you some blog statistics for the year ending 2008. Google offers a fantastic service called analytics which lets me glean all sorts of interesting(for me and accountants) information.

First off lets look at where visitors to this blog originate from.



In a sliding scale of green obviously New Zealand is a stronghold. America has good representation as does the UK, Australia and countries visited during the first chapter of the Rather Large Adventure volume 1. Sadly China, Russia, India and Africa remain untapped. I did think of making a censored version to appease Chinese censors but the resulting page looked something like this.










The average person visited this blog for a total of three minutes and 58 seconds. 53% of visitors visited more than once. 47 Percent vanish never to return again. 32% of visitors visited between 9 and 200 times.

69 percent of my visitors are viewing in US-English. British speaking types do not be offended if you see more American spelling. I must reach out to them.

For a break down of how people are viewing this blog.

1.
91.57%
2.
7.03%
3.
0.82%
4.
0.45%
5.
0.08%
6.
0.04%

Potential investors will be glad to know the revenue for this blog topped $100 US.

$59.52 came from ad revenue. Click those ads click those ads.
$50 came through donations. Donate to me Donate to me.

Fascinating stuff. Surely I am running out of things to write about today?

Maybe......

Twitter ? Twaddle or Tweriffic?

A week in I think I am a fan of Twitter. It seems largely harmless and I am getting more people reading my blog. It is easy to update your twitter from a phone or any internet capable device. It also teaches good writing habits. I am not sure if you have noticed but I tend to write exorbitantly long sentences from time to time and twitter encourages brevity out of necessity.

I do have a couple of tips to share for people that are interested in using Twitter.

1- Write a good bio. My bio needs some work and I think I will rewrite it so people can find me by searching a bit easier. When was the last time you searched for "Interesting, Irreverent, Indescribable but I try anyway"? I thought so.

2- If you are using facebook. Follow this mans guide. It will sync your tweets and facebook status updates.

3- Incorporate Twitter into your conversations. I think Twitter will hit critical mass this year. Become a part of the avalanche.

4- Don't follow people who announce SEO, Internet Genius and stamp collecting as interests.

5- Add Barack Obama. He will add you back automatically. Sweet.


Three for Tuesday

On the rare occasions when I have been unwittingly subjected to commercial radio they sometimes have fantastic jingles espousing two for Tuesday song duos. Having had a bit of a backlog I thought I would take this opportunity to tell you about a fascinating project I have been working on and a possible career move once more people know of my ever increasing brilliance. This is my three for Tuesday entry.

A good friend of mine is launching a website and she kindly sought my tenure in writing product descriptions for it. Naturally I seized the opportunity and on Christmas eve a box full of assorted goodies arrived. Given the brief of eating, playing with, smelling and absorbing the contents. I busily launched into it. It has to be said writing product descriptions is a lot of fun. I could quite happily sit at the end of a slow moving conveyor belt and dispense with product descriptions all day long. I did have trouble writing about some of the more feminine products but I think I have done an amicable job.

I look forward to sharing with you the website when it launches. I still have a bunch of product descriptions to write but the conveyor belt went off the rails on the weekend. Such is life at the end of a conveyor belt.

25 Random Things About Me

25 random things to Share

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you. I may have tagged you even if you’ve posted 25 random things already. In this case I just tagged you because I love you!

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

I got tagged in a note like this. I thought it would be apt to blog it as my blogs end up in facebook anyway.

1- I own a skateboard
2- I like wearing a sarong
3- I like not wearing shoes where ever possible.
4- I have double jointed thumbs
5 - I have weird points on my shoulders that are possibly artifacts from when I used to have wings
6 - I rarely put drinks down once I pick them up. Probably not a good habit.
7 - I used to work on a games helpline
8 - I used to have a dog named Waggy. Bless her golden feet.
9 - I once woke up around a toilet bowl with a new Girl friend. Curse tequila
10- I have a goal to own a batch on every continent. Maybe an igloo on Antarctica.
11- I have a fear of heights
12 -I have a passion for wearing primary colours
13- I listen to National Radio a lot. Like heaps lots.
14- I lost my wedding ring Phelps butterflying in Chiang Mai :(
15- I am incredibly shy. I would rather write than talk to strangers.
16- I have been known to reach out towards other galaxies with my hands.
17- I exercise 6 times a week.
18- I have a wizards robe and staff
19- I wear glasses for driving
20- I lost two school friends in car accidents and did not own a car until I was 24
21 -I make incredible pancakes
22- I plan on missing winter for the next 3 years
23- I have the best friends in the world. Better friends than everyone else. Just because.
24- I have two photos of Obama on my desk
25- I would have died on the Titanic with the British because I am a patient queuer.

Happy Chinese New Year

I like most people only really take notice of star signs when they leap off the page. Given that the Chinese new year has just rolled over I thought it would be appropriate to investigate eastern signs. The year of the OX appears to have themes of hard work and cautious celebrating. Not really things that appeal to a fire dragon but given my goals for the rest of the year they are probably apt.

We now have a date to work towards. The 10th of April will see us leaving New Zealand. We will spend a couple of days in Hong Kong before landing in Paris. Paris will need a couple of days to circumnavigate. Which reminds me I really should learn a few more words of French. We have it on good advice that "bonjour je suis de la Nouvelle-ZĂ©lande"(hello I am from New Zealand) is enough to placate most French natives. But ordering croisants and slowing hecklers would be useful as well.

Our next port of call is literally a port. Antibes sits nestled between Cannes and Nice and holds the most boat moorings in Europe. We have been graciously offered an apartment to share with a fabulous friend we made in Cambodia. More magical results from the liberal application of Beer Lao.


Antibes will require some studious studying. Originally a Roman settlement it has an aqueduct and associate roman amenites. It also has a Picasso museum and a naval museum dedicated to Napolean. There are also 48 beaches with in 25 kilometers which should also be investigated time permitting.

The next critical stage will be applying ourselves towards employment. Luckily Anna and I are in fabulous shape and sans loincloths would fetch a high price at any Roman slave market. As for our first super yacht. I will be happy with a modest one. Ideally we will end up on one which actually has sailing capabilities. People from New Zealand if you did not know are blessed with world class sailing abilities. We can literally sail before we walk, or so the rest of the world thinks.



Still one can not be choosy in the year of the OX. This one will do in a pinch. It has two submarines, two helicopters a launch and most importantly a basketball court for whilst the boss is away.

The inspiration for this post came from a couple of fans who were at my birthday celebrations. They literally could not wait for me to piss off overseas so I can continue distilling the world at large. I hope this placates them sufficiently.

Additional note: A fellow bloggerunited member has written a summary of Chinese sign highlights for the year here.

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

The New President Precedent

Today has been unfashionably busy. A barrel load of problems has besieged our team at work. With good humor we have tackled them but the flood shows no sign of abating. I did arise early this morning to watch the new President take office. My current theory is that Obamamania has rendered our server farms giddy and positively inoperable. To top it all off Wellington suffered a power outage this morning.

I will continue monitoring the situation. I have taken remedial action of cutting a picture of President Obama out of the herald. He now occupies a section of my desk. I will make referential bows and offerings until problems cease.

Tuesday, 20 January 2009

Happy Birthday to Me

Its not actually my birthday today. But it is still a momentous occasion. Today the sun moves in to Aquarius and for the next month I and other water bearers will probably be slightly more cocky and self assured in an endearingly strange way.

Personally I think celebrating your birth month instead of just your birthday is a great idea. It allows you and your friends multiple occasions to sing happy birthday. If you are like me and have a partner with the same star sign you get to double these occasions.

I hope you all have a splendid month. Please do not panic you see a large hippopotamus trundling down the highway being chased by a herd of geese. It is probably a birthday present.

Thursday, 15 January 2009

Google Chrome

More than a little bit late I have adopted Google chrome as a browser. I have been a bit lucky recently having the luxury of a work desktop, home desktop, iPhone and my faithful EEE. This is all set to change in April however and I have been trying to think of clever ways to maximise my net time in France.

Installing Google chrome on my EEE allows me to run it parallel with Firefox and not interrupt my wifes Firefox session. For the most part Google chrome appearss to be a capable browser. It has a sleek appearance and seems to work ok on my tricked out EEE 800x600 display. Its snapshot features are a nice addition and it feels like a browser doing all of the right things. Until a few things are fixed I am not ready to make a complete change.

-Limited preferences
-No plugin support
-No dictionaries

I know this entry has not been particularly amusing or interesting to many of you but I am suffering a horrible predicament. My current abode has been invaded by a gaggle of females and I needed to write my way out of the lounge.




Tuesday, 13 January 2009

My Best of 2008

Statistically speaking there is a good chance that you are in fact a new reader of this blog. Older more astute readers: it is also highly probable that in my haste to provide round the monitor entertainment and good humour that you have missed a post or two. Simply forgetful souls you might have forgotten why you are here. Let me remind you.

Finding Captain Nemo

Tremendously spooky writing given its content and the sequence of events that followed it. To think in 3 months I will be seeking passage on a yacht owned by wealthy people and some of these vessels have submarines.

A cathartic calamity


One of my finest brain vomits, this passage holds some trademark turns of phrase and delectably dances around a multitude of issues.

A jingle in the jungle


The choicest in my wild life series. This entry explores the jungle and its many inhabitants.

Time and Space


A quasi scientific look at time and distances in South East Asia.

Meth0d Writing


A bold uncensored look at Thailand at night. This really took courage and was a fun goodbye to South East Asia.

Gainfully Unemployed

A low point of the year was still a highlight for me. I can not complain. But I did.

Spring Break follow up

An experimental video blog. Drawing on all of my considerable post production resources in Timaru and shot on location. This might be a sign of things to come or a drunken lout in a Vietnamese hat. I will let you decide.

Thats it. My seven best posts of last year year. Comment away.

Thanks once again for reading. You are a beautiful audience.

Monday, 12 January 2009

Whether? What Weather?

A universal crime against humanity is the laboriously crap service our weather forecasters, writers and presenters serve up every minute of every day. Whilst I am willing to concede predicting the weather requires some nous and more than a bit of luck in a place like Auckland, New Zealand, I abhor the abysmally pathetic information we receive each and every day.

A thorough information omnivore I gather my weather information from a number of sources. My (excuse me whilst I gadget name drop once again) iPhone has a wonderful little widget which gives me a six day up to the minute forecast. I also read online news papers, listen to the radio and on occasion watch the television. Unfortunately using this information leaves me in the lurch as soon as I step outside. It turns out the best up to the minute local forecast is best found by walking outside.

The iPhone app has really put things in perspective and I have noticed the following annoying trait with weather forecasting.

-It is all bullshit

Still, using all of this information and discerning it all is where things get really interesting. Being a keen bandier of words, it is blindingly obvious to me that the met service and in turn the media are excellent at saying a whole lot of nothing.

A typical weather report for this fine city is usually comprised of the following attributes.

Fine (bound to get people excited)
With cloudy periods (better not get too excited)
And possible showers (it could rain you know)

I could write weather reports with far more panache and honesty. Here is one I cobbled up earlier.

Tomorrow will see the sun rising. The temperature will rise and fall with the sun. Huge clouds of vapour will move through the air obscuring the sun and affect the temperature. Beware: if you see a dark grey cloud it might rain.

Wonderful. The beauty of my weather report is that it can be used year round. I will not try and dress it up differently each day. You now have weather knowledge for a life time.

People of the world. Do not be alarmed! I will write reports for your locales as I visit. In the mean time I recommend y0u stay away from conventional weather reporting at all costs.

Thursday, 8 January 2009

MORE PAIN SOME GAIN

Being a fan of all things healthy I have to say my current exercise regime is a very painful one. During the last week of December my trainer and I worked on a new program together. The goal was to start this year with a new set of activities for me to follow over the next month.

Invariably doing new exercises means you are straining muscles in new exotic ways. These new pressures mean the typical gym goer will feel all sorts of pain in the days directly following a bout of exercise. Unfortunately for me an exceedingly libatious New Years meant I was carrying injuries into this first week of redemption.

Let me describe my week so far and the accompanying pains
Monday: 50 minute brisk walk. (So far so good)
Tuesday: 50 minutes of weight training chest and triceps. (Ooo that might hurt tomorrow)
Wednesday: 50 minutes of weight training. Legs and shoulders. (Now I am having problems walking and getting up from a chair)

I am also unable to gesticulate in a comfortable manner befitting of a part time wizard. Last night after five or so earth shatteringly painful dismounts from our television viewing apparatus (couch) it suddenly dawned upon me. I am suffering for everyone that doesn’t exercise. What a noble service I do for you all. The next time you are doing nothing think of me who can’t even do anything without being in pain.

I have added a twitter plugin to the side because I can. Now you can read all sorts of day to day stuff about me and learn that I am human just like you. WITH SUPER POWERS!

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

A couple of things

I had the weirdest experience on Monday morning. I left my iPhone and in turn music at home. I also left my significant other travelling companion at home. I also left my wife at home. The bus was deathly quiet. It was quiet to the point of a vacuum and twice as scary. It was as if the life given by two weeks of holiday had been wrenched from our dying carcasses and our zombies were left to work in the city.

This galvanised my rigidly travel addicted frame and I promptly made arrangements for appropriate super yacht accreditation. Today I informed my wonderful work of my intention to sail the silver seas. They took this information gracefully knowing my radiance has only danced through them like a comet or similar celestial body only with a good sun tan.

Where to buy Beer Lao in New Zealand

I have had a few requests as to the whereabouts of beer Lao. You can purchase beer Lao in Auckland at the Kingsland Liquor Centre 348 New North Road.

A 600ml bottle is only $4 which is a bargain. You do the math.

Monday, 5 January 2009

The Escape

When you last left me I was making myself at home inside another dimension. Since then I have experienced the highs and highs of alien abduction. Parts of it were fraught with danger and I still do not fully comprehend sections of it but hopefully this passage will help me out.

Physically I have numerous wounds covering my body.

I sprained my wrist
Bruised my buttock
Hamstrung my back
Got stung under my arm by a flying beast

I now have a day of work ahead of me. I will update this entry later. Stay tuned........

After a full day of work I have a fuller memory cortex to draw from.

At one point I was crash tackled off a man made structure by a curiously loud and strong female alien. This in turn damaged my back, leg and rear. I am hoping for a full recovery but I do not think ACC will take kindly to my claim description.

After a bout of getting to know the floor of the alien planet I was lying on. I stood up and put on the top half of my space suit. My left arm disappeared into the jacket and was promptly stung by a loud buzzing creature. If I had been on earth it may have been a wasp.

I was then joined by a very curiously dressed assortment of captives. We were promptly lead on a merry tail chasing expedition which was akin to a mad hatters jamboree. It even had mad hats. To this day I do not know what we were searching for. It was a herculean effort to find our point of origin. Never go walk about in a vacuum.

The sun soon rose. We were stranded in a large park like area. There were various activities and brain teasers. Most of the conversation lurched from feat of daring to another. The feats were so incredibly daring that there were few starters fool(hardy) enough to do them. It became apparent that not doing something life endangering would be sufficiently astounding.

I was stranded in an escape pod for a good chunk of the day. The pilot of the escape pod if he could be loosely labelled thus kept adjusting his dials and preparing for lift off. The lift off sadly never arrived. I think the pilot was stuck in a hole. Maybe he was a figment of my imagination. Maybe I was a figment of his.

The other travellers eventually entered sleeping capsules and retired. I did this and am happy to say that I felt almost normal after I arose.

If this makes any sense at all to, you were probably with me at New Years. If it does not make sense you were probably were not. If you were with me and it does not make sense than do not worry you have just read a pile of nonsense and should make a full recovery as soon as you leave this page.



A part of me that hurts