Saturday, 31 January 2009
Racial stereotyping aside South East Asian's are not renowned for being good swimmers. This compounded with my sometimes alcohol infused enthusiasm made for quite a spectacle. Alas during one of my last shows my wedding ring slipped off in Chiang Mai never to be seen again.
Luckily the ring was not particularly expensive. We wisely spent our wedding savings on entertaining our guests and feeding them. So whilst there was an emotional attachment, the finnacial one was not great. Therefore it is with great pleasure that I can now present to you my new official wedding ring, worn by my hand model.
My hand model is actually myself. Another string in my bow. I could quite adequately be a part time hand model. Stunning they are, although they sadly have a bad habit of going on about themselves. Just like a good model should....
Friday, 30 January 2009
My new email subscription service has been rolling on. Rather than subscribing people with out consent I have decided to conduct brief interviews before signing people up. Today I had a particularly humorous interview that I thought would be worth sharing with you all.
are you subscribed to my news letter?
what newsletters are they?
they are informative and humorous
there are no Viagra ads
and they are family friendly
like a funny New Zealand herald that is family friendly without Viagra ads
pm me your email address if you are game
will i see results in 14 days?
i expect you will have more fine lines within days.In closing subscribe if you dare and if you do not; beware of strangely worded questions.
Subscribe to A Myriad of Magnificent Musings by Email
Thursday, 29 January 2009
Opportunities for fencing and piracy will probably be limited but it hasn't stopped me from re charting my ideal route through the Caribbean. The red line is my optimum piracy route. It allows swooping on multiple colonies and intercepting the Spanish gold fleet and the silver train on the northern face of South America.
Cartography graffiti is fun. I think I am becoming a fan.
Obviously the fire drill has passed. A born rebel the thought of perishing in a fire blogging furiously is romantic but also stupid. This particular fire drill was more of a forced congregation with the rest of the building. The wardens did not take attendance rolls. In fact I am struggling to think of positives but have managed a few.
-Got to chit chat with and identify the smokers.
-Got to get a coffee.
-Walked up six flights of stairs because the lifts were insanely busy.
If I was in charge of fire drills I would reroute the air conditioning to include some artificial smoke. Dormant computers would make realistic screaming noises. Having a fire truck turn up would also add some drama.
Now we are talking.
Last night a blind man got on the bus with his guide dog. I don't get to see guide dogs very often and I was very impressed with the courteous intelligence the dog showed. It patiently queued with the rest of us and made sure it sat well out of the isle. It even smelled better than a good proportion of bus patrons.
I once mooted going and working for a guide dog training center. A rewarding job, but there is a Hollywood saying that working with animals and children can be problematic. Still it would be nice to come back as a guide dog. If only for the smugness of being able to walk where ever you please and being universally adored.
Wednesday, 28 January 2009
Do you have a zombie plan?
Every male I know enjoys watching zombie movies. They are hugely educational. They help men to create strategies for the eventual outbreak which will bring down civilization. Every well prepared zombie battler has a blunt instrument at hand. Looking around me there is a sturdy looking coat stand and several flammable aerosol cans which would be handy. Being in charge of security cards would allow me to seal off the immediate floors. Leaving the building would pose its own problems. I could possibly throw a couch down three floors and use it to break my fall. From there I could possibly make a dash for the sea and commandeer a water taxi.
Sounds like hard work? You can never be vigilant enough when thinking about zombies.
In fact I predict a few of you are possibly yawning at the very thought of yawning. Something to to be happy about. Heres to yawning. A positively wonderful bodily function.
Tuesday, 27 January 2009
This will be a month long trial before I have to start paying for it. My last paid initiative was paying a team of monkeys to enter my blog into 1000 blog directories. Sadly monkeys do not make good employees and I haven't exactly reaped rewards. So subscribe away and read my day!
First off lets look at where visitors to this blog originate from.
In a sliding scale of green obviously New Zealand is a stronghold. America has good representation as does the UK, Australia and countries visited during the first chapter of the Rather Large Adventure volume 1. Sadly China, Russia, India and Africa remain untapped. I did think of making a censored version to appease Chinese censors but the resulting page looked something like this.
The average person visited this blog for a total of three minutes and 58 seconds. 53% of visitors visited more than once. 47 Percent vanish never to return again. 32% of visitors visited between 9 and 200 times.
69 percent of my visitors are viewing in US-English. British speaking types do not be offended if you see more American spelling. I must reach out to them.
For a break down of how people are viewing this blog.
Potential investors will be glad to know the revenue for this blog topped $100 US.
$59.52 came from ad revenue. Click those ads click those ads.
$50 came through donations. Donate to me Donate to me.
Fascinating stuff. Surely I am running out of things to write about today?
I do have a couple of tips to share for people that are interested in using Twitter.
1- Write a good bio. My bio needs some work and I think I will rewrite it so people can find me by searching a bit easier. When was the last time you searched for "Interesting, Irreverent, Indescribable but I try anyway"? I thought so.
2- If you are using facebook. Follow this mans guide. It will sync your tweets and facebook status updates.
3- Incorporate Twitter into your conversations. I think Twitter will hit critical mass this year. Become a part of the avalanche.
4- Don't follow people who announce SEO, Internet Genius and stamp collecting as interests.
5- Add Barack Obama. He will add you back automatically. Sweet.
A good friend of mine is launching a website and she kindly sought my tenure in writing product descriptions for it. Naturally I seized the opportunity and on Christmas eve a box full of assorted goodies arrived. Given the brief of eating, playing with, smelling and absorbing the contents. I busily launched into it. It has to be said writing product descriptions is a lot of fun. I could quite happily sit at the end of a slow moving conveyor belt and dispense with product descriptions all day long. I did have trouble writing about some of the more feminine products but I think I have done an amicable job.
I look forward to sharing with you the website when it launches. I still have a bunch of product descriptions to write but the conveyor belt went off the rails on the weekend. Such is life at the end of a conveyor belt.
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you. I may have tagged you even if you’ve posted 25 random things already. In this case I just tagged you because I love you!
(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)
I got tagged in a note like this. I thought it would be apt to blog it as my blogs end up in facebook anyway.
1- I own a skateboard
2- I like wearing a sarong
3- I like not wearing shoes where ever possible.
4- I have double jointed thumbs
5 - I have weird points on my shoulders that are possibly artifacts from when I used to have wings
6 - I rarely put drinks down once I pick them up. Probably not a good habit.
7 - I used to work on a games helpline
8 - I used to have a dog named Waggy. Bless her golden feet.
9 - I once woke up around a toilet bowl with a new Girl friend. Curse tequila
10- I have a goal to own a batch on every continent. Maybe an igloo on Antarctica.
11- I have a fear of heights
12 -I have a passion for wearing primary colours
13- I listen to National Radio a lot. Like heaps lots.
14- I lost my wedding ring Phelps butterflying in Chiang Mai :(
15- I am incredibly shy. I would rather write than talk to strangers.
16- I have been known to reach out towards other galaxies with my hands.
17- I exercise 6 times a week.
18- I have a wizards robe and staff
19- I wear glasses for driving
20- I lost two school friends in car accidents and did not own a car until I was 24
21 -I make incredible pancakes
22- I plan on missing winter for the next 3 years
23- I have the best friends in the world. Better friends than everyone else. Just because.
24- I have two photos of Obama on my desk
25- I would have died on the Titanic with the British because I am a patient queuer.
We now have a date to work towards. The 10th of April will see us leaving New Zealand. We will spend a couple of days in Hong Kong before landing in Paris. Paris will need a couple of days to circumnavigate. Which reminds me I really should learn a few more words of French. We have it on good advice that "bonjour je suis de la Nouvelle-Zélande"(hello I am from New Zealand) is enough to placate most French natives. But ordering croisants and slowing hecklers would be useful as well.
Our next port of call is literally a port. Antibes sits nestled between Cannes and Nice and holds the most boat moorings in Europe. We have been graciously offered an apartment to share with a fabulous friend we made in Cambodia. More magical results from the liberal application of Beer Lao.
Antibes will require some studious studying. Originally a Roman settlement it has an aqueduct and associate roman amenites. It also has a Picasso museum and a naval museum dedicated to Napolean. There are also 48 beaches with in 25 kilometers which should also be investigated time permitting.
The next critical stage will be applying ourselves towards employment. Luckily Anna and I are in fabulous shape and sans loincloths would fetch a high price at any Roman slave market. As for our first super yacht. I will be happy with a modest one. Ideally we will end up on one which actually has sailing capabilities. People from New Zealand if you did not know are blessed with world class sailing abilities. We can literally sail before we walk, or so the rest of the world thinks.
Still one can not be choosy in the year of the OX. This one will do in a pinch. It has two submarines, two helicopters a launch and most importantly a basketball court for whilst the boss is away.
The inspiration for this post came from a couple of fans who were at my birthday celebrations. They literally could not wait for me to piss off overseas so I can continue distilling the world at large. I hope this placates them sufficiently.
Additional note: A fellow bloggerunited member has written a summary of Chinese sign highlights for the year here.
Wednesday, 21 January 2009
I will continue monitoring the situation. I have taken remedial action of cutting a picture of President Obama out of the herald. He now occupies a section of my desk. I will make referential bows and offerings until problems cease.
Tuesday, 20 January 2009
Personally I think celebrating your birth month instead of just your birthday is a great idea. It allows you and your friends multiple occasions to sing happy birthday. If you are like me and have a partner with the same star sign you get to double these occasions.
I hope you all have a splendid month. Please do not panic you see a large hippopotamus trundling down the highway being chased by a herd of geese. It is probably a birthday present.
Thursday, 15 January 2009
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
Finding Captain Nemo
Tremendously spooky writing given its content and the sequence of events that followed it. To think in 3 months I will be seeking passage on a yacht owned by wealthy people and some of these vessels have submarines.
A cathartic calamity
One of my finest brain vomits, this passage holds some trademark turns of phrase and delectably dances around a multitude of issues.
A jingle in the jungle
The choicest in my wild life series. This entry explores the jungle and its many inhabitants.
Time and Space
A quasi scientific look at time and distances in South East Asia.
A bold uncensored look at Thailand at night. This really took courage and was a fun goodbye to South East Asia.
A low point of the year was still a highlight for me. I can not complain. But I did.
Spring Break follow up
An experimental video blog. Drawing on all of my considerable post production resources in Timaru and shot on location. This might be a sign of things to come or a drunken lout in a Vietnamese hat. I will let you decide.
Thats it. My seven best posts of last year year. Comment away.
Thanks once again for reading. You are a beautiful audience.
Monday, 12 January 2009
A thorough information omnivore I gather my weather information from a number of sources. My (excuse me whilst I gadget name drop once again) iPhone has a wonderful little widget which gives me a six day up to the minute forecast. I also read online news papers, listen to the radio and on occasion watch the television. Unfortunately using this information leaves me in the lurch as soon as I step outside. It turns out the best up to the minute local forecast is best found by walking outside.
The iPhone app has really put things in perspective and I have noticed the following annoying trait with weather forecasting.
-It is all bullshit
Still, using all of this information and discerning it all is where things get really interesting. Being a keen bandier of words, it is blindingly obvious to me that the met service and in turn the media are excellent at saying a whole lot of nothing.
A typical weather report for this fine city is usually comprised of the following attributes.
Fine (bound to get people excited)
With cloudy periods (better not get too excited)
And possible showers (it could rain you know)
I could write weather reports with far more panache and honesty. Here is one I cobbled up earlier.
Tomorrow will see the sun rising. The temperature will rise and fall with the sun. Huge clouds of vapour will move through the air obscuring the sun and affect the temperature. Beware: if you see a dark grey cloud it might rain.
Wonderful. The beauty of my weather report is that it can be used year round. I will not try and dress it up differently each day. You now have weather knowledge for a life time.
People of the world. Do not be alarmed! I will write reports for your locales as I visit. In the mean time I recommend y0u stay away from conventional weather reporting at all costs.
Thursday, 8 January 2009
Invariably doing new exercises means you are straining muscles in new exotic ways. These new pressures mean the typical gym goer will feel all sorts of pain in the days directly following a bout of exercise. Unfortunately for me an exceedingly libatious New Years meant I was carrying injuries into this first week of redemption.
Let me describe my week so far and the accompanying pains
Monday: 50 minute brisk walk. (So far so good)
Tuesday: 50 minutes of weight training chest and triceps. (Ooo that might hurt tomorrow)
Wednesday: 50 minutes of weight training. Legs and shoulders. (Now I am having problems walking and getting up from a chair)
I am also unable to gesticulate in a comfortable manner befitting of a part time wizard. Last night after five or so earth shatteringly painful dismounts from our television viewing apparatus (couch) it suddenly dawned upon me. I am suffering for everyone that doesn’t exercise. What a noble service I do for you all. The next time you are doing nothing think of me who can’t even do anything without being in pain.
I have added a twitter plugin to the side because I can. Now you can read all sorts of day to day stuff about me and learn that I am human just like you. WITH SUPER POWERS!
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
This galvanised my rigidly travel addicted frame and I promptly made arrangements for appropriate super yacht accreditation. Today I informed my wonderful work of my intention to sail the silver seas. They took this information gracefully knowing my radiance has only danced through them like a comet or similar celestial body only with a good sun tan.
A 600ml bottle is only $4 which is a bargain. You do the math.
Monday, 5 January 2009
Physically I have numerous wounds covering my body.
I sprained my wrist
Bruised my buttock
Hamstrung my back
Got stung under my arm by a flying beast
I now have a day of work ahead of me. I will update this entry later. Stay tuned........
After a full day of work I have a fuller memory cortex to draw from.
At one point I was crash tackled off a man made structure by a curiously loud and strong female alien. This in turn damaged my back, leg and rear. I am hoping for a full recovery but I do not think ACC will take kindly to my claim description.
After a bout of getting to know the floor of the alien planet I was lying on. I stood up and put on the top half of my space suit. My left arm disappeared into the jacket and was promptly stung by a loud buzzing creature. If I had been on earth it may have been a wasp.
I was then joined by a very curiously dressed assortment of captives. We were promptly lead on a merry tail chasing expedition which was akin to a mad hatters jamboree. It even had mad hats. To this day I do not know what we were searching for. It was a herculean effort to find our point of origin. Never go walk about in a vacuum.
The sun soon rose. We were stranded in a large park like area. There were various activities and brain teasers. Most of the conversation lurched from feat of daring to another. The feats were so incredibly daring that there were few starters fool(hardy) enough to do them. It became apparent that not doing something life endangering would be sufficiently astounding.
I was stranded in an escape pod for a good chunk of the day. The pilot of the escape pod if he could be loosely labelled thus kept adjusting his dials and preparing for lift off. The lift off sadly never arrived. I think the pilot was stuck in a hole. Maybe he was a figment of my imagination. Maybe I was a figment of his.
The other travellers eventually entered sleeping capsules and retired. I did this and am happy to say that I felt almost normal after I arose.
If this makes any sense at all to, you were probably with me at New Years. If it does not make sense you were probably were not. If you were with me and it does not make sense than do not worry you have just read a pile of nonsense and should make a full recovery as soon as you leave this page.
A part of me that hurts